Criminal Impulses Not Corrected In Prison

Mar 4th, 2014 | By | Category: Katz Litterbox, Parole, Prisons & Confinement, Rehabilitation, Satire


The Onion | March 4, 2014

WOODBOURNE, NY—Reportedly left dumbfounded by the news that recent parolee Terry Raney had been reincarcerated on charges of assault and battery, officials at Woodbourne Correctional Facility struggled Tuesday to make sense of how the prisoner had not been rehabilitated by 15 years of constant threats, physical abuse, and periodic isolation.

“It just doesn’t seem possible that an inmate could live for a decade and a half in a completely dehumanizing environment in which violent felons were constantly on the verge of attacking or even killing him and not emerge an emotionally stable, productive member of society,” said chief warden Albert Gunderson, who noted that, as hard as it was to believe, Raney’s recidivism proved that his criminal impulses had not in fact been corrected by the sense of grave distrust he felt toward every other person in the facility, including both fellow inmates and prison authorities, every day since 1999. “We surrounded him with a combustible mix of rival gangs and made sure that he was consumed by a round-the-clock sense of terror that the slightest misstep on his part could result in a sharpened piece of scrap metal being shoved into his neck, and yet he still leaves this facility with the same criminal thoughts and violent mindset as before? I’m truly at a loss for how this could have happened.”

Gunderson then noted his additional confusion at how the man’s criminal record and the social stigma of his prison sentence had somehow failed to land him a steady job immediately upon his release.

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6 Comments to “Criminal Impulses Not Corrected In Prison”

  1. JC says:

    Like kl2008, I also have family and friends on both sides of the fence. They really did do what the law says they did, they are doing their time. And I hope they are motivated by the rotten experience enough to not want to go back. To Formerly: Yes, putting some work into assisting reassimilation back into society is all well and good. They simply have to show their appreciation by not committing more crime, sometimes within less than 24 hours after being released! Several years ago, a parolee was given instructions to go from Northern California to his parole agent’s office in Southern CA. Within 24hours, not only did he NOT complete that assignment, but one innocent pre-teen girl’s life will never be the same. I continue to believe that protecting the innocent is our 1st priority, worrying about the trauma done to the not-so-innocent, least in the order of priority.

  2. Formerlydehumanized says:

    To Paco Villa and all its supporters: I truly hope someone you know and love is sentenced to prison, so you can wish them “Full frontal lobotomies” and their stays are “REALLY nasty” so they too can come out better human beings than when they went in. You people suffer from such a magnified form of cognizant dissonance, you are incapable of seeing prisoners as human beings deserving of our assistance to succeed after incarceration.

    • Bob Walsh says:

      Boo Hoo Hoo.

    • kl2008a says:

      Hey Formerly, I have had, and still currently do have several family members that I know and love that are in prison for doing some bad and stupid shit that got them rightfully placed where they needed to be – for everyone’s sake.. They were also stupid enough to want to carry on with their idiotic behavior (while in the can) so that they got the shit stomped out of them, but it did no good. They, and their families, would have gotten great relief if they had been given full frontal lobotomies as it would have prevented a lot of heartbreak and despair. They did not want to be helped by family or friends and felt that it wasn’t them that had to change their ways, but that everyone else had to change how they felt towards them. While I see them as losers who won’t amount to much, I also have faith in mankind that a person can change and do good – if they really want to. Everyone knows the difference between right and wrong, and many choose to ignore doing what’s right.

      Now, with all that said though, I’m glad you did your homework for Psych 101 and understand some of those terms like “magnified form of cognizant dissonance”, but see if you can find the psychological term for “I don’t give a fuck what you think!”

  3. kl2008a says:

    Obviously full frontal lobotomies would have given the desired results.

  4. Bob Walsh says:

    Obviously we need to make the prison experience REALLY nasty so that people REALLY do not want to return.